Blah Blah Cry Blah Blah Serious.

I am not a very political minded person; I try to educate myself on the subject but it's a hard thing for me to grasp. I'm not very good at understanding people when they never say what they actually mean.

The war that is going on right now in Iraq makes absolutely no sense to me at all. I'm thinking there is something about that war that I must not understand. There has to be more to it, because I can't understand justifying the fact that we're fighting a war over there UNLESS there is something that I really don't know.

That being said, I don't want any e-mails about how I'm an idiot because I don't understand politics, or how I'm not patriotic because I don't support what I don't understand. I love the US, but I honestly don't feel like our armed forces are fighting FOR the US. They're fighting because of it, not for it. I don't believe we are in any less danger now than we were before the war started. I try to understand, and I try to read about politics and current events and etc. etc., but I just can't seem to grasp exactly what the US is doing and why. That isn't limited to the war, either.

This post isn't about whether or not I agree with this war, though. This post is about something I DO know. Something I DO understand, and that's what it feels like to know someone who is leaving to fight in Iraq, and how it feels to miss them while they are gone.

As of right now, I know quite a few people leaving to fight. Two of these people are fathers, two of them turned 18 just a few weeks ago, two of them are from the same family.

One of them is Peter. My ex-boyfriend-but-husband-someday Pete. The Pete I've been missing every single day for two years now. The same Pete who has ALREADY BEEN OVER THERE ONCE. The same Pete who would be getting out of the Army for good in February, but now he's being forced to stay in for an entire extra year.

I'm angry and I'm sad that he's being forced back there. I'm upset that there is nothing I can do for him. I am ready for him to be home for good and I'm ready to be with him all the time. Yet again I feel totally helpless. I remember how it felt the first time. Constantly holding my breath, never reading the newspaper or watching the news.

I'm angry and sad for me, but I'm also upset for his family. His wonderful, beautiful family. You see, his family is a really tight knit group of people. A group of people who feel his absence every day. I'm especially sad for his oldest sister Rachel because her husband will be going over in August and he'll be there for 7 months. I know how I feel, and Peter isn't my husband or my brother or my son. I can't even begin to imagine how Pete's family actually feels.

This is how awesome they are:

Mom and Dad - Never fight. They are fair and generous people. They have killer senses of humor. They go for walks together in the morning or evenings. They drink tea. They enjoy good music and even better food. They have raised 5 amazingly awesome children.

Rachel - The oldest of the five kids. Apparently, she used to be the goody-two-shoes of the group. I wasn't around for that. Now she jumps out of planes and protects college students. She laughs a lot and she likes caffeine. She listens when people talk and she's always interested in what they have to say. She is capable and sweet and just a lot of fun. She can instantly put a smile on your face.

 
Becca - Second born. Listening to her and her Dad talk is so entertaining. She has an attitude almost exactly like mine. She has road rage that rivals mine. She is one of the most talented people in the world and no I'm not kidding. She is in Seattle right now getting ANOTHER degree. She works her ass off, her artistic talent is beyond jaw-dropping, and she is so funny. I miss her!

Peter - I've never been so comfortable around anyone so fast. He's goofy. He's sweet. He's hilarious. He gets my sense of humor. He has red hair and freckles! He has tattoos. He's beautiful. He is reckless but seldom realizes it. He never says a mean thing about anyone. You think I'm kidding, I'm not. There are actually people out there who aren't as terrible as I am. He's one of them. He'd do anything for his family or his friends. He actually stands up for me. Basically, he's my future. 

Ruthann - Her intelligence is astonishing. She is creative and witty as hell. She is the definition of a 'good person.' She stands her ground without making others feel uncomfortable. She knows how to do cool stuff. She is crafty and musical and the kind of person who could honestly do ANYTHING she sets her mind to. Could probably sprout wings and take off if she so desired.

Andrew - We hang out, he's my bud. He's 16. He has a sense of humor like Pete. I think I'm probably closest to Andrew out of all the siblings (except Pete of course). I really feel like Andrew is my little brother. I'd probably do anything for him. I worry about him and I want him to succeed. (His girlfriend is adorable.) Like the rest of his siblings, he's so intelligent. He's creative. He has an incredible enthusiasm for life. He is adventurous like Pete. He's confident and he makes me laugh so hard. He imitates Stuart with me. He's awesome.

This is a family who gets together every Friday night for dinner. A family who travels together and talk openly about a great deal of things. A family who has amazing morals and integrity. They are cultured but not uppity. They get along and actually have fun together. Being in their house means being comfortable. It's hard to describe how entirely wonderful this family is without sounding like I'm making it up. All I can say is that they've treated me like I've never been treated before.

The point of telling you about this family is to show you that when people have to go fight a war, this is what they have to leave. They leave a Mom and Dad and Rachel, Becca, Ruthann, and Andrew. They leave an Ashley. They leave a Raja and a Cassie and a Desi. Sometimes they leave their first born children or maybe they miss first steps or first words. Sometimes they've only been married for two days before they leave their new spouse for an entire year. Sometimes they miss the death of a loved one (or loved pet) and sometimes just the little things they miss everyday are the hardest.

And in Iraq? You wait. For 365 days, you wait. You wait to get letters, you wait to be able to call home or send email. You wait to put your life in danger. You wait to shoot and be shot at. And then you wait to take a shit, and you wait to hear news that you weren't home to see. And you wait to see who remembers to keep in touch and who doesn't. And you wait to come home. 

And it seems that not a damn person who I've ever come in contact with can actually tell me exactly why they're over there, waiting. So basically, all I hear is this.

"Hey Ashley, your boyfriend, we're going to keep him for awhile. Oh wait! He was going to be out in February, but now? Screw that! We're keeping him for an extra year. 365 days. Reason? Nope, no reason. We just thought it would be nice to make sure that his family and friends could hold their breath for another year. You know, on top of the one you just went through. So yeah, there's not a damn thing you can do."

I've heard my fair share of "He knew what he was doing when he signed up." Let me ask you this - Have you always understood the severity of every decision you've made in your life? Have you ever gotten in over your head, wondered how you ended up where you did? I know I have. Have your mistakes or decisions sent you off to get shot at a gajillion miles away from your family? No? Well thank god for that. So please, save your breath. Most of us are lucky enough that we make dumb decisions that are reversible, not that bad. Not that dangerous. Some people are not that lucky.

I'm not sure what the point of this is. I'm just frustrated that someone so close to me is going back for a second time to a country where I don't think we need to be.

I guess I just want him home. And I was hoping so terribly hard that he would be home in February, finally. In the back of my mind I knew that wouldn't happen... but I thought for once I'd hope for the best and not think of the worst. And now I'm sad and disappointed and scared for him.

So it really comes down to this: from October 2006 to October 2007, I will be holding my breath. In February 2008, I'll actually be able to laugh and mean it. Until then? Not really.